Internal Battle 

At this point we were 2 1/2 weeks out from starting my first round of injections. Things began to get very real. We were nervous and very excited! Things that hadn’t come to mind before were now beginning to hit me very hard.

I decided to treat myself to some relax time and go get my hair done at a blow dry bar shop. I sat in between 2 ladies. 1 had just had a baby and was spilling about the whole process of pregnancy- birth. I thought ok this is funny, but I can handle this. Up next the girl on the other side of me is talking about how she is almost 30 and doesn’t have kids, and no one in their right mind would push out a kid after the age of 32. I’m sitting in the chair next to her a few months shy of 32 and not pregnant.

Then she proceeded to talk about her friend who had been through 4 failed rounds of IVF and how sad and expensive it is to have to do something like that. She asked us can you imagine how hard it must be to struggle with infertility? I was sitting there a few weeks out from starting my first round of IVF.
In those moments I wondered why my problems were constantly being brought up everywhere I went. In those moments I had a choice to make. Would I let these moments pull me down, or would I let them make me push even harder to get to where I wanted? I didn’t always make the right choice. I left places crying many times, but now I look back and can see that those instances made me even stronger.

The moments that I had thought about for multiple years of surprising my husband and telling him I was pregnant, and telling our parents they were going to be grandparents in some cute way weren’t going to happen. Those secret Pinterest boards of ideas wouldn’t have any use. I wouldn’t get to surprise my best friends with the news.
I was a wreck the day all these thoughts came rushing to my mind. I went into my little shell and tried to hide behind books, watching tv, or the words I’m fine. My husband knew me better than that and he helped me realize we weren’t created to be ordinary.

The journey isn’t what we thought it would be, but it was made for us! Our parents are/ have been our biggest rocks and encouragers. God knew exactly what he was doing when he brought Bryant and I together. Our parents (all 6 of them) and a few close friends, were everything to us in the time when we needed to be held up the most!

“You can have anything you want if you are willing to give up the belief that you can’t have it”

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

One thought on “Internal Battle 

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  1. Thank you for sharing. I love your transparency. I had no idea. I have always wanted children and unfortunately, I will never have any biological children. I will not be able to tell my mom she is going to be a grandmother to my baby. I won’t be able to decorate my baby’s room or see them grow up. It’s still my dream to become a mother. I am so happy for you and your family. I love ❤️ you!


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