Healing is in your hands

We started trying to have children in 2011 and we got pregnant with our first baby by March 2011. We then miscarried that pregnancy in May 2011 and became pregnant once again in July 2011. We had our first sweet baby girl on April 1st, 2012. We had a little bit longer of a journey having our second child as it took us A year and a half to conceive our second child. We used Clomid to conceive our second baby. We had our second baby in December 2014. We were fortunate and only had to do one round of Clomid. When our second baby was eight months old we conceived our third baby and had her in May 2016. And when our third baby was nine months old we conceived our fourth baby and had her in December 2017. We, fortunately, didn’t have to use any medical fertility help with our first, third and fourth babies. We just basically on our third, or fourth baby. We were content with our two sweet girls that we had and wanted more but after spending so much time and heartache trying to conceive our second child we wanted to just relax and let things happen. And they did!

The treatment route we used with our second child was Clomid and it was an OK process for us. It caused some cramping but it really was pretty mild compared to what others experience. And thankfully since we only had to do one round of it we didn’t have to spend a lot of time, money and heartache during that journey. The year and a half that we spent trying to conceive was difficult but once we had conceived our second baby I look back on it and was grateful because I know there are many people out there that have to spend much longer and face a lot more heartache. I do remember being frustrated with every negative pregnancy test and even breaking open tests to see if the line I thought I was seeing was really there and finding out that it wasn’t. I would drive myself crazy a little bit just taking 1 million tests and staring at them and leaving them on the counter just to go back a few hours later to see if I got a different result to pop up.

If I could give myself any advice for this process looking back I would have told myself to calm down and not get so wrapped up in the process. It caused me to face things like depression, anxiety, and a lot of needless disappointment. I would have told myself to enjoy every moment as much as I can in the life that I was currently living with my husband and daughter. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate my husband and child at the time, but I allowed some of this process to consume me and I could’ve been enjoying life a lot more despite the frustration and disappointment of not conceiving a second child yet. I would also tell myself to not be so concerned about what everybody else is doing and be so afraid that other people were going to have their second baby before I had mine. I was super worried on the inside that my friends closest to me or even some of those that were just in my general circle we’re going to conceive their second child before I did mine and it made me feel like I hadn’t lived up to some standard that I should be somehow. What I didn’t realize was I was more than enough just the way I was and I didn’t need to have a second baby to somehow prove to other women around me that I was a good enough woman.

The thing that I am most proud of myself through this journey is that I made it through somehow. Even though we’ve been very blessed with four beautiful children it doesn’t mean that life somehow got easy once we finally conceived and had the children that we had always wanted. Most people in the process of conception kind of feel like everything will calm down once they hold that precious baby in their arms. To an extent, they are right for a small portion of time. What I learned through this process and through having four children especially as close in ages as I have is that there is always a sacrifice with the blessings. The sacrifice is beautiful, but it’s not always easy. For example, getting up with a newborn night after night when you have three other young children that you’re going to have to get up early with. It can be very difficult but I am grateful that I have learned how to honor the sacrifice portion of the blessing.

The song that helped me through tough times:

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